A threesome is probably safer than a shower

Q: Can someone be both gay and asexual at the same time? I can’t wrap my brain around this one.

A: Of course, a person can be asexual while being homosexual. . . because asexuality is a spectrum, and that spectrum is wide and broad and includes people who experience sexual attraction and sometimes choose to act on their sexual attraction. Basically, some asexual guys want boyfriends but don’t want to fuck them at all, other asexual guys want boyfriends but don’t want to fuck them too much. It’s really not that confusing. . . unless you’re dating a guy who doesn’t know he’s asexual or who knows and hasn’t told you, in which case you’re likely to be both confused and frustrated.

Q: I am a recently divorced 53 year old bi-curious woman living on the East Coast. I spent most of my life with my ex and he never talked about it, but since I started dating every new partner has told me how tight I am. You would think that was a good thing! I recently started dating a man who says he likes how tight I am. However, he also says it makes him come quickly. His marriage also ended recently, so he hasn’t had much sexual experience either. So, I don’t know if he just comes quickly or if it’s because of me. Do you have any suggestions?

A: Maybe it’s you – maybe you’re tight (which most men consider a good thing) – or maybe he’s a premature ejaculator and he’d rather blame you rather than admit it. Either way, don’t let him shove his cock inside you until he’s made you cum at least once.

Q: Why don’t all the gay people in my age group (guys I like) want me? And why do only a few men above my age group – guys I like too – want me?

A: It’s a mystery, a mystery best pondered while sitting on the dick of an older man who wanted you and got you.

Q: Do you have any tips for safer sex during threesomes? Thinking about having an MFF threesome!

A: There is no safe sex, there is only safer sex. To be completely safe, skip the threesome, stay home, and take a long, relaxing bath instead. Or not. According to the CDC, every year a quarter of a million people end up in the ER after falling in the bathroom and thousands more never make it to the ER because they’re DEAD naked, wet and alone after being fell out of their bathtub. Meanwhile, less than 50,000 people are diagnosed with primary and secondary syphilis each year. So you’re probably safer during this threesome, as long as you don’t take a shower before or after. Or never again. (Full disclosure: Nearly 700,000 people contracted gonorrhea in 2020 and 1.5 million people contracted chlamydia.)

To make sex safer, get tested, share your STI status and use condoms. (Condoms, when used correctly, will protect you from syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV, and pregnancy.) Basically, follow the same risk reduction strategies you would follow for a duo, with an addition: if M wants to fuck the two F’s, he has to change condoms every time he changes holes. And to make your threesome more emotionally secure, the three of you need to be clear about what you do and don’t want, and everyone needs to agree – out loud – that if anyone feels excluded, in danger or ill at ease, he can call for a moment to go out without the other two pouting.

Q: Newly non-monogamous and dating after 16 years of monogamy. How do I ease the feeling of “disappointment” when a date I was looking forward to is over and I have to go back to my “normal” life?

A: Your marriage, i.e. your “normal” life, will fall apart if pleasure (going out, doing things, having adventures) is reserved for dates and stress (paying bills, household chores, raising children) is reserved for your spouse. Energy-infused dates in a new relationship are effortless fun (usually), while keeping things fun with a spouse takes thought, effort, and MDMA.

Q: You always say that a new father must be prepared to have little or no sex for a long time and cannot bring up non-monogamy. Is it the same for the mother if she is the one who wants it the most?

A: Women who have just given birth are generally less interested in sex (or able to do so) for all the obvious reasons (physical trauma, physical exhaustion, emotional exhaustion), but studies have shown that testosterone levels in men fall out after becoming fathers, which can tank their libido. No matter who wants it more, the best time for two people to discuss non-monogamy is BEFORE they’ve mixed their DNA, not after. If you didn’t have this conversation before becoming parents, you should wait at least a year before talking about it.

Q: In college, my boyfriend found out his girlfriend was cheating on him with a friend. He told his friend he didn’t care, since he was planning to break up with his girlfriend at the end of the semester, and they both continued to fuck her. She didn’t know that they both knew. What she did was wrong (cheating), but I think my boyfriend and his friend did something worse, because she didn’t know she was “shared” like that. How do I get my boyfriend to understand?

A: Share your boyfriend. . .

There’s more in this week’s Savage Love. To read the whole column, go to Wild.Love.

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